i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
