i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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