I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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