will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
pop tarts are not kleenex
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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