Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
