You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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