They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am available for nakedness
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
