why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
