I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
