I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize