Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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