i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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