the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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