I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
