mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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