Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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