Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Randomize
