I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
