My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
