I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
