I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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