As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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