Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
