my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
