the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think people are normalizing furries
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
