when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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