i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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