If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
