Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
