If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
