moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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