she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
