went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
