First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
