I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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