I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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