He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
