Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She even gives head with a lisp.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
