Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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