I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
