You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
