someone threw a dead crab at me
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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