No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
