my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
