It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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