The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
