I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
