From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
