Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
