Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
