Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
