you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
