sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize