Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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