Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
