I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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