I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize