The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
