I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
