We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
