Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm too high and old for this...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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